Why do you scream?
Why do you shout?
What is going on?
Loaded questions, loaded with emotion, history and hurt. Loaded and no where to shoot them! Like me - loaded with words, feelings and thoughts. But how and where to share them, with whom...and can I do it in a way that doesn't cause more hurt?
I struggle with this, very much, and for someone who can be an excellent communicator it is a terrible thing to behold this loss of control, this banshee, this wildness.
It scares me, I cannot imagine how it scares people who are close enough to be caught in the vortex. I am learning, however, why and how this happens. And most importantly when!
Storm warnings! I need my own Doppler radar so I can issue storm warnings...or maybe I just need to recognize my own warning signs. I am learning to recognize some of them - the physical as well as emotional and mental.
Why do you scream? Why do you shout?
Because I don't feel heard! I don't feel like what I am saying, in a normal modulated voice is being heard. I have touched, I've made eye contact, I've asked the same questions a dozen different ways. I'm not looking for a fight, I'm looking for information, confirmation you heard me. That I used my 'outloud voice' and wasn't just in my head the whole time.
I scream, sometimes, from the sheer physical strain of frustration of feeling mute, unheard and worthless. The shame of the past overwhelms me and I feel no matter how I pray, how I learn or how I transform I'm still the dumb, dirty girl who never quite got it right. Wasn't quite popular, wasn't quite clear enough to be heard, wasn't just quite enough of something I just cannot understand!
Frustration leads to anger, anger leads to outbursts, outbursts lead to tears, tears lead to self condemnation and self condemnation undoes so much healing work. Like the saying goes, "for the loss of a nail..." well I'm CONSTANTLY LOSING THAT DANGED NAIL!
Am I learning? Yes, I really am. Do I stumble fall and fail? Oh yeah...lots still but I'm human. Forgiven, but all too human, and so are the people I desperately want to communicate with. They don't know why some things are so hard for me and I don't understand why they cannot hear me.
The really scary thing is that I only scream and shout and lose it because I'm safe enough to feel my emotions top to bottom. First time in my life I can own them. I can learn from them. I can try to make them take the bit and reins and be trained.
I'm able to trust a bit, and then when I cannot be heard I feel such a hurt and a loss. I don't want to be fixed, dismissed, ignored or pushed aside. I just want a nod, a I hear you or okay let's talk about that. Would that be too hard? I hope not, I'm trying to be able to give that back to those who need me to listen. I know it is not a one way street, and don't expect anything less than I would be willing to give - time and effort to actively listen and try to hear.
I've learned to be a pretty good listener and feel terrible when I am not. I'm learning to ask for what I need and am learning to understand when it cannot be given. It's a process, and I own up to my part in it. Now to find a way to have that message heard before I feel like I have to shout.
Tried leaving you a message on FB. It has been acting crazy the past few days at least for me.
ReplyDeleteI remember feeling as you do now. I remember not feeling like anyone was listening to me and shouting to get their attention. It didn't help that I was raised in a family where the parents shouted when anger. It took me about 3-4 years to figure out how to do feelings, especially anger, without hurting anyone else with my outbursts. The only anger I saw in my family was silence or full-blown rage. Anger does not have to be violent or out of control. Learning to be angry without shouting took me awhile as I said above. You can learn how. Just be patient with yourself. Talk to those who are close to you. Explain what is going on. Let them know that you are learning how to feel and tell them that it will take time. Ask them to be patient with you as you learn.
This post is not too raw and should be shared. It might help others to find their way to healing as well.
Thank you Patricia for your comment and your understanding. I really appreciate and respect your words. I felt so raw writing it, wasn't sure if it was too raw to share. I'm glad that I'm not alone in this.
ReplyDeleteMystic Mom, you definitely are NOT alone in this "learning how to be angry" thing! I'm feeling all lost when it comes to anger. I am feeling the anger now, which is new to me, but not able to express it well. I do better when I'm alone and something happens to make me mad and then I can shout and it feels ok to me. But I haven't done well in learning how to express anger with someone else. I still keep it bottled up inside and turn it toward myself, or I try to express it in a way that SEEMS right but end up getting it all wrong. I find that the things I think I'm angry about aren't even the real issue!!! I AM ALL LOST IN THIS!!!
ReplyDeleteBUT!!! I do have faith that I am learning in spite of it all. I am just a baby in this part of things and I am still crawling, not even standing up yet when it comes to the anger part.
Hang in there! And know you are not all by yourself!
Carla, it does my heart good to hear your words. It is good to not be alone, especially with something that makes us feel so isolated at times. Bless you and thanks for the hugs...
ReplyDeleteI have such a difficult time with anger. It scares me because I feel so out of control. I need to learn how to express my anger in an appropriate way. Thank you for your post.
ReplyDeleteInterruption I understand how you feel - I really do! Thanks for being here, maybe together we can all find a way through this.
ReplyDelete