Why do you scream?
Why do you shout?
What is going on?
Loaded questions, loaded with emotion, history and hurt. Loaded and no where to shoot them! Like me - loaded with words, feelings and thoughts. But how and where to share them, with whom...and can I do it in a way that doesn't cause more hurt?
I struggle with this, very much, and for someone who can be an excellent communicator it is a terrible thing to behold this loss of control, this banshee, this wildness.
It scares me, I cannot imagine how it scares people who are close enough to be caught in the vortex. I am learning, however, why and how this happens. And most importantly when!
Storm warnings! I need my own Doppler radar so I can issue storm warnings...or maybe I just need to recognize my own warning signs. I am learning to recognize some of them - the physical as well as emotional and mental.
Why do you scream? Why do you shout?
Because I don't feel heard! I don't feel like what I am saying, in a normal modulated voice is being heard. I have touched, I've made eye contact, I've asked the same questions a dozen different ways. I'm not looking for a fight, I'm looking for information, confirmation you heard me. That I used my 'outloud voice' and wasn't just in my head the whole time.
I scream, sometimes, from the sheer physical strain of frustration of feeling mute, unheard and worthless. The shame of the past overwhelms me and I feel no matter how I pray, how I learn or how I transform I'm still the dumb, dirty girl who never quite got it right. Wasn't quite popular, wasn't quite clear enough to be heard, wasn't just quite enough of something I just cannot understand!
Frustration leads to anger, anger leads to outbursts, outbursts lead to tears, tears lead to self condemnation and self condemnation undoes so much healing work. Like the saying goes, "for the loss of a nail..." well I'm CONSTANTLY LOSING THAT DANGED NAIL!
Am I learning? Yes, I really am. Do I stumble fall and fail? Oh yeah...lots still but I'm human. Forgiven, but all too human, and so are the people I desperately want to communicate with. They don't know why some things are so hard for me and I don't understand why they cannot hear me.
The really scary thing is that I only scream and shout and lose it because I'm safe enough to feel my emotions top to bottom. First time in my life I can own them. I can learn from them. I can try to make them take the bit and reins and be trained.
I'm able to trust a bit, and then when I cannot be heard I feel such a hurt and a loss. I don't want to be fixed, dismissed, ignored or pushed aside. I just want a nod, a I hear you or okay let's talk about that. Would that be too hard? I hope not, I'm trying to be able to give that back to those who need me to listen. I know it is not a one way street, and don't expect anything less than I would be willing to give - time and effort to actively listen and try to hear.
I've learned to be a pretty good listener and feel terrible when I am not. I'm learning to ask for what I need and am learning to understand when it cannot be given. It's a process, and I own up to my part in it. Now to find a way to have that message heard before I feel like I have to shout.