Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Tell me about yourself...

So tell me about yourself...

List your experiences and qualifications that make you the ideal candidate for this position...

Let us see who you are so we know you are the person we want for our _________________...

I'm stuck! Really, honestly totally stuck!  There are two things I'd like to apply to do, wild and crazy of me, and they both require that I tell about me.

This is how it goes for me, the survivor:

  • Excellent leadership skills (inner voice mumbles leading what? mush headed rejects?)
  • Dynamic speaker (inner voice criticizes speaking? you don't make sense, no one gets you)
  • Independent and Creative (inner voice mocks of course you are, who would want to work with you?
  • Intelligent, knowledgeable, qualified (inner voice screams LOSER LIAR LONER DUMMY FAKE WHEN THEY FIGURE IT OUT YOU ARE BUSTED)
I freeze up.  How can I talk about myself when  don't even know what to say?

I am a good story teller, I'm a passionate advocate, I'm a good behind the scenes person to make things happen.  I'm good in the shadows where no one can see or sense my scars, my fear, my pain, my inability to get past the inner voices who only want me to fail.  They wouldn't say, fail, they would say, "not doing what we think is best with the undertone of, because you obviously have no idea what is best so we'll take care of that".

I do know they are liars, but they are the only ones I can hear when I'm faced with telling someone about me.  I don't even think I have a good idea of how those who love me see me because I've been tangled up for so long.  Every achievement has been because of their awesomeness (nothing to do with me at all) and every failure has been because of my utter failure to be what they wanted (nothing at all to do with me, vicarious living ain't fun or easy for anyone).

How does God see me? 
How does my son or husband?  

How about my friends?  

My family?  Okay some of them I do know, it is their voices I hear when the inner voices are shouting at me.  

I know how I would like to be seen, but is it really how I'm seen?  I have maybe five photos that I think are good ones of me, only one or two are of me alone.  The rest are with those whom I love best and I think they are great photos because I'm able to reflect love.

Bigger still is the question that I think we all face what makes us think we deserve to be seen as loving, worthy, sweet, kind, tough, resilient, caring, dynamic when all along we've been led to believe we are dirty, whorish, small minded, cruel, worthless, unlikeable, unlovable and do I need to go on?  

Even in the face of it being a lie it is still hard to get past it...I would love to be able to say, "I am totally the best person for this and I know this because of the following..." and I would love to have the silence of confidence inside where there are no doubters in my mind and there are no traitors in my corner.  

Can I do it because I know I'm really qualified and a good candidate or can I do it thinking I'll fake it until someone figures out I shouldn't be here and I'll quietly leave...

Friends, survivors - how would you describe you? 
How do you think the people who love you most see you?

Today I'm struggling and today I'm going to find the words!  

PART II: Tangled Wire Knots