Friday, December 23, 2011

Olive, the other reindeer

Christmas can be such a season of contrasts.

Blessings and stress. Freedom and feelings of being trapped.

Loved ones around you or you being alone.

Choosing boundaries. Making hard choices.

Seeing doors open you thought would stay closed.

Being free or trapped by holiday bullies of all kinds.

Thinking of the strange connections we can make to holiday songs.

As a kid I always wondered why there was that tenth bully reindeer Olive, and why none of the others ever stuck up for Rudolph.  No one understood why that song and show made me sad. No one got it.

And poor ol' Frosty! He couldn't get anything right! But then his brains really were made of mush. What could you expect from a snowman after all?

At least no one asks why we don't have mall Santa photos of our little boy anymore. I guess they got tired of getting the look whenever they asked. Shudder...cringe...yeah...THAT LOOK!

This Christmas I wish for you the best of the season, for you! What you need, who you need and when you need.  If being alone is your choice, then I pray you won't be lonely.  If risking that open door is your choice, then I pray that your risk pays off wonderfully!  If you are hurt and hiding away, I pray that you are comforted and know you are loved.

Survivors can have a hard time at Christmas but we can make it our own.  This year we are just three for Christmas. We are so excited!  Find space and a place for you this isn't meant to be a time of stress and pain.  Really...and we can take it back!

Friday, December 9, 2011

It's Not You

Haven't we all heard that line at least once in our lives? "It's not you, it's me." and didn't it fill you with a strange sort of dread.  That no matter how hard you tried something that was you could not match what they wanted.  When I hear that now, however, I find it rather freeing. Liberating. I'm using that line to clear up some misunderstandings about the choices I have made in my life.

It's not you who changed. You never do. You are solidly the same, even if it is in ways that are less than healthy for me.  Years have come and gone and you stay the same.

It's not you whom these changes have been made for. Indeed, if I could make one change for you it would be that you could change. But you choose not to.

It's not you who has worried, cried and fretted countless nights away in worry, fear, despair and loneliness.  You saw those tears as weakness, as being 'wimpy' and flawed.

It's not you who choose for the heart of a little child, instead of the material satisfaction of an adult.

It's not you, it's me who made the choices to have boundaries, to make things clear and defined.

It's not you, it's me who choose to change her life. For the better. Not the easier. Easier would have been, well easy, but not right. Not right for me. Not right for them.

It's not you, it's me who realized nothing really changes unless you want it to.  And when you don't nothing will change you because you become solid in your place, stuck even, and soon the won't change becomes can't change and the shame/blame game continues.

It's not you, it's me who decided to stop the games, stop the tear-filled madness.

It's not you, it's me who choose to forgive and move forward.  We're waiting. We're praying. Someday you may come, then again you may not.

I'm okay with this. It's okay for it to be me and not you.