Thursday, August 18, 2011

Go away!

(small joke - see no one listens to me! I post a title that says go away and yet here you all are! I love you for not listening to me! Thanks for coming here to another Scarred Seeker post.  You honour me by showing up, you humble me when you comment and I'm floored when you share my words...thank you!)

Go away!  I want to scream it.  I want to paint it on boards and then nail them to every fence post and then I want to chain my gate shut.  Go away!

And yet I don't...I really can't, can I?  It won't work. They would crawl under the wire and they would chew through the boards and then they would sit by my door all sad and pitiful.  ARGH!  I can't stand them.  They freak me out.  Really, they freak me out!

No idea what I'm talking about yet? Or maybe you have people and things in your life that you can totally relate to this?

Here's the thing.  I really cannot handle major league drama when it is used for passive agressive and non-productive and detrimental to healing ways.  When it is used to get sympathy and there is no incentive for change.

You've seen the movies and video games, the walking wounded. They seem so shell shocked and dazed they don't know they are wounded!  Their guts are hanging out, their arms are torn off, their bodies a zombie like shambling wreck and they keep walking towards you.

Now picture this - they are fully aware of the drama!  They know perfectly well they are playing the drama game and yet they don't understand how much it is hurting them.  Telling them doesn't work, this is something they figure out banging into closed doors and brick walls. 

My friend is like this.  She is dreadfully unhappy unless there is some life altering crisis happening RIGHT NOW!  She cannot function without drama.  You cannot even have a conversation without her wanting to know, does this sound or feel authentic or how was it really like and can you tell me more?  She needs the drama rush.  She is as hooked on it as anyone can be on something that is an actual substance to abuse.

I have learned that there is a huge huge difference between helping someone heal and feeding their drama.  Sometimes the boundaries need to be put up tall, strong and wide.  I'm doing my own healing, I'm not strong enough to carry someone else, my weight is enough.  I care for her, and the other drama junkies and I pray for them. But I cannot have them in my life, not daily or even weekly.

A visit the other day was like watching a slomo slasher flick because I could see her woundedness and hear the pain in her voice.  It was so sad, there is so much hurt, and so little desire to heal from it because the attention gotten for being wounded is too seductive to leave.  It'd be like being in a body cast, liking the attention, and staying in a body cast!  That's no way to live.  It's no way to expect others who care about you to live.

Tonight is my go away night.  I am surrounded by storm clouds, thunder and lightning.  I wonder will we get rain, which is much needed, or will we have damage instead.  I hate facing these storms alone but I've gotten used to it.  It is easier for me.  I feel surrounded lately by other people's drama storms and I guess that's why the two things collided and made this post!  Sorry if it is rough or not polished.  I've got to finish before the power goes out...or the hail hits...or something else wicked comes.

I think I know where there are some markers and paper maybe I'll make some signs, by flashlight beam, just in case I get brave enough to put them up!

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Some Bridges Need Burning

Recently on a blog, in the comments, we were talking about burning bridges and it came to me.  

Some bridges need burning.  Down to the pillars. Chopped from the banks. 

Bridges can do two things - allow access across and back.  That's it.  Two way traffic.  Or a one way invasion. 

Relationship bridges are like that.  Some need to be kept up, even if they get little traffic because who is across the river of distance, time, healing is worth keeping access to.

Some are old, forgotten even, and the places they used to go may not be there anymore.  They are not really even in our minds.

Some are current and alive with traffic and we use them daily.

Among these are the bridges that are seemingly innocent but are used for invasions and attacks and those are the ones that need to be closely looked at.  Sometimes, regardless of who is on the other side, the attacks that come are not worth keeping up the bridge!

If someone is sneaking across your bridge, smiling like a friend, and then attacking you this is not a good use of the bridge.  Bridges give access to our lives and sometimes we need a toll bridge, sometimes we need a four-lane super highway and other times we need a rickety swinging bridge with missing planks and sometimes no matter what kind of bridge it is we need to burn it down.

You bet, you heard me right, burn it to the ground. Stop access. Stop contact. Make a personal boundary that is not easy to cross.  When you are healing and choosing not to cross the bridge why should you allow them to cross to you if they are not supporting that healing? 

There should be no automatic passes on our bridges.  Everyone should have a good reason for being there.  One that is safe and healthy for us. Sure, some may challenge us or give us a reason to think but they should not be attacking us or using their access to our lives to cause us harm.

Some examples?  I am a person who cares deeply for others and sometimes that leaves me with very open access in parts of my life.  Such as time.  Emotional energy.  And when someone comes across, dumps their garbage and then leaves it is a violation.  It hurts.  They don't clean up. They don't work on coming to be a part of my life.  They are there to bitch, whine, dump and leave.  Sorry, you may get my prayers and my love but no more access.  And I'm not even really sorry about it either!

Another example?  Family!  They troop across the bridges with suitcases, motor homes and buckets of stuff to bring you.  Is it your stuff?  Or is it old garbage that belongs no where but the trash bin?  If it feels like, sounds like or acts like guilt and blame, invalidation and control burn that bridge!

Some bridges are one ways, and should only be crossed going towards the healing, building the faith, towards life and going backwards shouldn't be an option.  Keep going. Don't let anyone call you back to a dark place because they don't want you to move forward!  It may sound like this, 'I liked you better when'.

It can be easy to decide when to burn a bridge, it can be natural as moving on in life. Not going back down an old road, or taking that path again.  It can be hard too, what if I'm wrong and what if I want to go back or what if ____________... 

When I look back upon my burned bridges and I don't miss what is on the other side and I don't miss the stuff that came across then I feel pretty confident that it was right to do!

I love watching movies where they blow up bridges because it reminds me that I can do that too!  In my life, right now even,  an interruption stopped me from finishing this blog.  A bridge I had kept open for a few friends has now gotten a closed sign and a chain.  I may be stacking kindling there tomorrow!  Why?  Because what came across with them, their need and drama was and is not healthy for me. There is nothing over there I need!  So it is closed, and may be burned finally!  Maybe I held on too long.

What is across the bridges in your life?  Who comes across the bridges in your life?  Is there some burning that needs to be done? You have to think about it, pray about it and consider what it means but if you come to the conclusion that this is right for you then light'er up!  There is a freedom in burning a bridge who needs burning, there is a peace in watching it fall into the waters and be washed away.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

...and you'll like it...

This post is, in part, inspired by the comments and post over at Emerging From Broken, and in part by the lessons that never stuck from when I was a kid...

I can remember, so very clearly, do this and like it.  It didn't really matter if you actually liked, disliked, loathed or were indifferent.  You had to like it.  You were obligated as a member of the family to like it. Paste on the smile, pour out the right words, clutch, cling and freaking make everyone around you happy because you were being obedient.  This isn't a polite, Thanks Nanny for the great sweater when it is a terrible crime against yarn.  This is liking what they liked for you to like and you had no say.  Less because you had no choice!

You are going to do what we say and like it. There was an expectation that their expectations were enough.  My thoughts and feelings on liking something, being happy about something or enjoying something were irrelevant.  They were useless, and unwanted. 

They could even be embarrassing!  Or worse, they could be unpopular with everyone else.  

You'll like it because if you don't there will be hell to pay! You'll be happy and smile like a gargoyle on a church and like it.

It wasn't good enough to like something just because you liked it!  You had to like  something they did.  Choices were not your own.  You only got to own mistakes, never successes.  You didn't get to love what you loved because you loved it.  You couldn't really be happy just because.

How absurd!  How devaluing and controlling!  How hard is it to learn that when you are an adult?  It is pretty challenging to figure out what you really like.  To seek and find what really makes you happy.  And not quiver in fear because it might not be what someone else wants!

Even now, after a few miles down the healing road, it is hard to say, "I'm doing this because it makes me happy!" or to share "I could be the only one here, but I like this!"  Not asking permission for joy, for liking something or for disliking it is so freeing!  So validating to make your own choice.  Yeah that brand of cookies is super! or nope I just cannot stand that color of shirt!

The removal of obligation from my choices was not just having windows opened!  It was more like having a chainsaw and being able to cut your own windows!  I could pick my windows, pick my spot, cut my holes and breathe! Breathe!

Like what you like! Be happy with what makes you happy!  Seek joy.  Share laughter. Tell that child inside that it is okay to come out and play! It is safe to eat peas from the garden, to run through the sprinkler, to not wear make up and to run around barefoot!  It is okay to play with your pasta and just sit and watch a butterfly.

Try it, this time I promise if you give it a chance you'll find you like it!