Monday, May 16, 2011

Missed Me

In your hurry to layout your conditions and rules you missed me.
In your rush to forget what happened you missed me.
In your desire to be right and powerful  you missed me.

You missed my healing and you  missed my faith renewed.
You missed chances to laugh and chances to bind wounds together.

In your need to control the spin and the image you missed me.
In your urge to always be right you missed me.
In your quick to layout the list of wrongs you missed me.

You missed the words of love and you  missed my longing for reconciliation.
You missed a chance to choose differently and you missed me.

In your wish to be seeing as right you missed me.
In declaring your status of being wronged you missed me.
In deciding to turn away and walk away you missed me.

You missed laugher and joy.  
You missed flowers and bird song.
You missed finding who we could have been.

When you made it about you you missed me.
When you had to be setting the rules you missed me.
When you forgot that love is the greatest gift you missed me.

I'm not going to miss a moment of joy, laughter, sunshine, tears, fears or celebration because of that.  I'm not missing my healing and redeemed life.  I'm celebrating it!  

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Standing Still

and watching you walk away.  That is what it feels like.  It feels like I've been watching you walk away for a long time.  You look over your shoulder and say, "Do it my way and you can come..." and I stay standing there because the answer is No.

Watching you walk away,
Watching you leave me.
Standing there. Waiting.
Hands out. Heart open.

Watching you look at me.
Hearing you say, "Come and
do it my way"
Hearing me say, "I'd rather stay."
Hands down. Eyes clear.

Watching you walk away.
Knowing I couldn't go,
Knowing you couldn't stay.
Watching you go.
Hands open, in prayer.

I wrote to heal, you read blame.  I wrote to be stronger, you read and responded in blame.  I walk this healing path and wish for you to know all the hopeful, faith-filled, beauty and love words I've written.  

You only see what you wanted.  It's easy to put conditions on things when you've always had the power.  But when someone else finds their strength and says, "No." 

No. Said with love. Questions asked in love.  No blame, only healing.  No said with the weight of my heart getting lighter without fear and without blame.  No said with forgiveness going both ways, all ways and always. 

If you turn around you'll see my living my life through the open door you walked away from.  I won't close it, but I won't chase you through it.  You cannot put conditions on me for the sole purpose of your comfort and to protect your reputation.

And still I'm standing here watching you walk away and knowing that for you it was easier than staying.  It was easier than trying.  It was easier to make me dirty and bad than it was to clean the wounds and heal.  It's easier to walk away from me, from you, from us than it is to start over. Start fresh. Start anew.

I know in my heart that you don't understand the words I say and I accept that.  I accept that the story you tell will be your truth.  I stand still watching you walk away and still I would welcome you back.

I hear the silence of family and friends and I know the spin has begun.  I stand still watching you walk away.  Standing here and knowing that to everyone else you see I'm to blame.

I love you. I truly do.  I hold no malice, or blame. It's true.

You won't see those words, not today or tomorrow, but someday maybe you will.  I pray you will.  I don't miss what was, but I miss what could have been.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Die of shame?

We all make mistakes. Things very frequently go wrong.  People say, That's life!  They say you cannot die of shame and yet when faced with the shame of a mistake I wish I could fade away to a shadow.

Embarrassment. Shame. Tears. Weakness. Needing someone.  When you are taught the wrong messages about your emotions, about how you manage your life starting at a young age you can become confused and the need for control can lead to some very scary places.

You need to open up.  How?  How can I when the very act of wanting to reach out brings physical reactions of stress, fear and the deep mistrust comes roiling up like bile.

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." 
~ Eleanor Roosevelt

I've been taught to give consent by surrendering to the emotions, to the messages which were designed to keep me in someone's fist.  How do I stop that?  I don't know.  I wish I knew.  I think knowing it is a big step.  Seeing it happen and reaching out, in little ways which seem so large.  Trying, risking, stretching those healing wings to see if I can fly.

So it begins...and I'm not sure where it will go...but will we go together?