Embarrassment. Shame. Tears. Weakness. Needing someone. When you are taught the wrong messages about your emotions, about how you manage your life starting at a young age you can become confused and the need for control can lead to some very scary places.
You need to open up. How? How can I when the very act of wanting to reach out brings physical reactions of stress, fear and the deep mistrust comes roiling up like bile.
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent."
~ Eleanor Roosevelt
I've been taught to give consent by surrendering to the emotions, to the messages which were designed to keep me in someone's fist. How do I stop that? I don't know. I wish I knew. I think knowing it is a big step. Seeing it happen and reaching out, in little ways which seem so large. Trying, risking, stretching those healing wings to see if I can fly.
So it begins...and I'm not sure where it will go...but will we go together?
Wow!!!Thanks for sharing this! What a whole lot of insight into how and why we do what we do---Recovery is not linear, we have so much to learn once we determine that we want to recover. Learning how to examine our behaviors, our thoughts, and our emotional patterns; keeping what works--and stop doing what doesn't--no easy feat! Learning how to do everything differently started with reaching out for me. I (still!) do not have any of this 'down pat' more than 20 years later. I know now that even the idea that I would get good at it, was another fairy tale. Even better, it is perfectly fine that it was simply just a childish fantasy. The reality is so much better. This is a life-long pursuit, this 'recovery;' it allows for unlimited opportunities to grow, to change to become more authentic, to be true to myself and who I know myself to be; as defined by my morals, values, and principles.
ReplyDeleteShame, is not something I feel because of what someone else does anymore. Before I started to recover, the only time I ever remember feeling shame was as a result of being abused and believing it was my fault---The first time I realized that I (the real me)did not feel shame or guilt for being abused; I was in an abusive relationship. I felt grief and sorrow--which I realize now I was taught to not recognize when I was taught to be ashamed and guilty for being victimized--it was years before that seed took root. It is no simple task to stop ingrained emotional, and behavioral patterns or behavior...
Eleanor Roosevelt was right, "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent."
I ended up feeling inferior because I chose, without even realizing it, to continue to believe the lies and false messages I was taught to believe, as a child. There are times I still feel like that little girl; but now, even she knows it was not her shame, and she was not to blame.
I know now that when those old feelings of shame and inferiority rise within me, they are not based in reality--they are old tapes and old worn out false messages; they are sign that I need to attend to my spiritual house, to foster my continued recovery. It is not a destination or an event, it is a life-long pursuit. I'm grateful I get to be on it.
If it is what we choose, we will fly...
Mystic Mom, you are doing the healing a step at a time & yes that is scary & you are succeeding. Writing and feeling are how much of my healing has happened, not instantly but over time, often years. You are doing it too. Don't give into frustration or fear. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. The journey is a struggle, a challenge and you will eventually overcome.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for being here, and for your very thoughtful comment. Old tapes and worn out messages indeed! Fly my friend, fly
ReplyDeleteThank you for the encouragement Patricia...
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