Monday, January 7, 2013

You don't know me

You don't know me.
You thought you did.
You don't.

These scars I've earned.
Those bridges I burned.
The living and being alive.
You don't know me.
I don't know if you can.
Do I care?
Storms ridden out.
Cloud's lining silver found.
I'm here still. Made it.
You don't care to know.
You didn't then, don't now.
Good by me.
Laughing at a false face.
Saw through you too!
Don't waste my time.
You don't judge me.
Not your right, then or now.
Don't waste my time.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Shake it off...

I keep diving in. Conversations. Wishes. Dreams.
Seeking your notice. Your approval. 

Your interest.  

I can't help but wonder why I seek this?

It only hurts me. Even when I keep my
Expectations so low that your being
conscious is a victory.

I'm up to my neck in wanting you to care.

I think it is time to shake it off!

I think I am done actively trying.

Done with the wanting, the wishing.
I'm done hoping too.

It is time to shake it off.  Shake you off.
Like water.
Like dust.
Like dried blood and dreams.

Time to leave you with the echoes of my prayers.
And your own selfish ways.
Your desire to be important
has robbed you of being
included in our lives.

And you don't even notice.
And you don't care.
Maybe someday.
Or maybe not.
You choose
not me.

Copyright 2012, Shanyn Silinski

Monday, February 6, 2012

Let's keep talking

Let’s Keep Talking About Bullying

I am honored to be guest posting on Scarred Seeker, after finding the post about getting discussion going about bullying.

Yes! We must get discussion going, I so agree…and we must guide this process so that the discussion is not laden with “would’ve, could’ve and should’ve”, but rather with proactive language and plans. It’s not that hard!

We WILL…find out what bullying prevention plan are school is using, and how they are using it!

We WILL…support our schools by teaching positive social skills, friendship skills and communication skills to our children.

We WILL…enrich our own lives and happiness by taking the things we are teaching our children and use them ourselves!

We WILL…understand that when another child uses a bully action on our loved one, both of the participants are children.

We WILL…set boundaries with people in our life and show our children how to send the message that I must be treated with respect!


"What is the one thing that YOU will do right away to help with the bullying issue?" 
Please feel free to share in comments and we'll get the conversation started right here!

Please, sign up for our No Such Thing as a Bully newsletter at to receive a link to the The Almost Book: Almost 50 Things That Almost Anyone Can Do About Almost Any Kind Of Bullying" 

It’s not really about finding the “right” thing or the “best” thing to do. It’s just about doing something…and that includes talking.

Kelly Karius is the co-author of “No Such Thing as a Bully”, a program intended to move away from the traditional labeling solutions that have been used in the past, to a full school, community and family solution. More information found at  

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Living with Bullies

It breaks my heart. So many people I know and care about are living with bullies in their lives. In their homes. Their church. Their families. They think they have to accept that.  It makes me so sad.

They don't know they don't have to accept bullies in their lives. They don't want to face that they have allowed bullies to continue to be in their lives. They fear to face the thought that those bullies are teaching a new generation of bullies and are wounding those who can't stand up to them.  They live in fear. 

We talk about bullies in school. We talk about bullies in the work place.  What about those in church?  What about those on TV?  What about those who sit at our table for breakfast?

Who is talking about those bullies?  (hey...notice that resounding silence? Yeah I did too!)

We are going to be! Scarred Seeker is taking on the bullies!  We are going to talk about stopping the bullying. Speaking up and showing our kids that as adults we aren't going to be bullies and we are not going to be bullied!

Won't you join me?

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

It is a trust thing

It is a trust thing.

I can hear you saying, "No! Really? what's new?" and yes I'd normally agree that this isn't quite the earth shaking announcement it could be.  But this really is shattering for me. And after you are done reading perhaps a bit rattling for you as well.

My son is studying jujitsu, it is a class for little guys to learn about being safe and it is about not being bullied or being a bully.  It is about sticking up for not only yourself but others as well. 

The children trust each other and you can see it when they practice and play together.They trust their sensei too. He shows them, he teaches them.  Everyone is included.  They understand the sublime message of truly learning this martial art - when you are in class you can trust your partners, your sensei, your training.  By learning that trust there, where it is safe, you can use your skills with confidence outside of class.

That is not what shattered me though.  That is just an observation to set the scene.  

We arrived early yesterday to class and got to observe Sensei training with another practitioner.  They were working on holds. Choke holds. Neck holds.

I overheard them talking and started to realize there were only two ways out of the holds if both people were equally skilled.  One you pass out and the other person lets you go because they won.  Two you tap them and they let you go.

The trust is in the tap.  They could feel the hold, they dissected it and they talked about it.  I watched, they were putting it all into doing those holds right.  You knew it was right when you saw the tap.  Then the one doing the hold let go. He stopped immediately.

There I am, a Mama and survivor, and I'm shaking. My heart is racing. My hands are sweaty. I'm thinking I could never do this.  I can't trust like that.  There is a real trust there. Something that is fundamental to the art.

I want to take his women's self defense class next month.  I want to try. For my friends who are coming. For the person I trust to teach my son. For myself.  I don't know if I can do it. 

I tried talking to my husband about how I feel. But I didn't really get to the trust part, I was still stuck back in the automatic self preservation mode explanation.  But after seeing J and M working on the holds together I started to understand.  It is the trust I need to work on.  

Trust people inside my zone.  Trust people to put their hands on me to teach me. Not to hurt me. To teach me.   I need to trust them enough so I can let my guard down so I can learn.  Letting the guard down means really being in the moment, being present there and now. Not in the past where I learned to break free and stay free of holds.  Nor in the future when I might need to do so again. I need to be present, there fully, and be able to trust and learn.

I'll keep you posted, see how this part of the journey goes. For the Scarred Seeker is still scarred and she is still seeking...

Friday, December 23, 2011

Olive, the other reindeer

Christmas can be such a season of contrasts.

Blessings and stress. Freedom and feelings of being trapped.

Loved ones around you or you being alone.

Choosing boundaries. Making hard choices.

Seeing doors open you thought would stay closed.

Being free or trapped by holiday bullies of all kinds.

Thinking of the strange connections we can make to holiday songs.

As a kid I always wondered why there was that tenth bully reindeer Olive, and why none of the others ever stuck up for Rudolph.  No one understood why that song and show made me sad. No one got it.

And poor ol' Frosty! He couldn't get anything right! But then his brains really were made of mush. What could you expect from a snowman after all?

At least no one asks why we don't have mall Santa photos of our little boy anymore. I guess they got tired of getting the look whenever they asked. Shudder...cringe...yeah...THAT LOOK!

This Christmas I wish for you the best of the season, for you! What you need, who you need and when you need.  If being alone is your choice, then I pray you won't be lonely.  If risking that open door is your choice, then I pray that your risk pays off wonderfully!  If you are hurt and hiding away, I pray that you are comforted and know you are loved.

Survivors can have a hard time at Christmas but we can make it our own.  This year we are just three for Christmas. We are so excited!  Find space and a place for you this isn't meant to be a time of stress and pain.  Really...and we can take it back!

Friday, December 9, 2011

It's Not You

Haven't we all heard that line at least once in our lives? "It's not you, it's me." and didn't it fill you with a strange sort of dread.  That no matter how hard you tried something that was you could not match what they wanted.  When I hear that now, however, I find it rather freeing. Liberating. I'm using that line to clear up some misunderstandings about the choices I have made in my life.

It's not you who changed. You never do. You are solidly the same, even if it is in ways that are less than healthy for me.  Years have come and gone and you stay the same.

It's not you whom these changes have been made for. Indeed, if I could make one change for you it would be that you could change. But you choose not to.

It's not you who has worried, cried and fretted countless nights away in worry, fear, despair and loneliness.  You saw those tears as weakness, as being 'wimpy' and flawed.

It's not you who choose for the heart of a little child, instead of the material satisfaction of an adult.

It's not you, it's me who made the choices to have boundaries, to make things clear and defined.

It's not you, it's me who choose to change her life. For the better. Not the easier. Easier would have been, well easy, but not right. Not right for me. Not right for them.

It's not you, it's me who realized nothing really changes unless you want it to.  And when you don't nothing will change you because you become solid in your place, stuck even, and soon the won't change becomes can't change and the shame/blame game continues.

It's not you, it's me who decided to stop the games, stop the tear-filled madness.

It's not you, it's me who choose to forgive and move forward.  We're waiting. We're praying. Someday you may come, then again you may not.

I'm okay with this. It's okay for it to be me and not you.