I can hear you saying, "No! Really? Wow...so what's new?" and yes I'd normally agree that this isn't quite the earth shaking announcement it could be. But this really is shattering for me. And after you are done reading perhaps a bit rattling for you as well.
My son is studying jujitsu, it is a class for little guys to learn about being safe and it is about not being bullied or being a bully. It is about sticking up for not only yourself but others as well.
The children trust each other and you can see it when they practice and play together.They trust their sensei too. He shows them, he teaches them. Everyone is included. They understand the sublime message of truly learning this martial art - when you are in class you can trust your partners, your sensei, your training. By learning that trust there, where it is safe, you can use your skills with confidence outside of class.
That is not what shattered me though. That is just an observation to set the scene.
We arrived early yesterday to class and got to observe Sensei training with another practitioner. They were working on holds. Choke holds. Neck holds.
I overheard them talking and started to realize there were only two ways out of the holds if both people were equally skilled. One you pass out and the other person lets you go because they won. Two you tap them and they let you go.
The trust is in the tap. They could feel the hold, they dissected it and they talked about it. I watched, they were putting it all into doing those holds right. You knew it was right when you saw the tap. Then the one doing the hold let go. He stopped immediately.
There I am, a Mama and survivor, and I'm shaking. My heart is racing. My hands are sweaty. I'm thinking I could never do this. I can't trust like that. There is a real trust there. Something that is fundamental to the art.
I want to take his women's self defense class next month. I want to try. For my friends who are coming. For the person I trust to teach my son. For myself. I don't know if I can do it.
I tried talking to my husband about how I feel. But I didn't really get to the trust part, I was still stuck back in the automatic self preservation mode explanation. But after seeing J and M working on the holds together I started to understand. It is the trust I need to work on.
Trust people inside my zone. Trust people to put their hands on me to teach me. Not to hurt me. To teach me. I need to trust them enough so I can let my guard down so I can learn. Letting the guard down means really being in the moment, being present there and now. Not in the past where I learned to break free and stay free of holds. Nor in the future when I might need to do so again. I need to be present, there fully, and be able to trust and learn.
I'll keep you posted, see how this part of the journey goes. For the Scarred Seeker is still scarred and she is still seeking...