Tuesday, January 17, 2012

It is a trust thing

It is a trust thing.

I can hear you saying, "No! Really? Wow...so what's new?" and yes I'd normally agree that this isn't quite the earth shaking announcement it could be.  But this really is shattering for me. And after you are done reading perhaps a bit rattling for you as well.

My son is studying jujitsu, it is a class for little guys to learn about being safe and it is about not being bullied or being a bully.  It is about sticking up for not only yourself but others as well. 

The children trust each other and you can see it when they practice and play together.They trust their sensei too. He shows them, he teaches them.  Everyone is included.  They understand the sublime message of truly learning this martial art - when you are in class you can trust your partners, your sensei, your training.  By learning that trust there, where it is safe, you can use your skills with confidence outside of class.

That is not what shattered me though.  That is just an observation to set the scene.  

We arrived early yesterday to class and got to observe Sensei training with another practitioner.  They were working on holds. Choke holds. Neck holds.

I overheard them talking and started to realize there were only two ways out of the holds if both people were equally skilled.  One you pass out and the other person lets you go because they won.  Two you tap them and they let you go.

The trust is in the tap.  They could feel the hold, they dissected it and they talked about it.  I watched, they were putting it all into doing those holds right.  You knew it was right when you saw the tap.  Then the one doing the hold let go. He stopped immediately.

There I am, a Mama and survivor, and I'm shaking. My heart is racing. My hands are sweaty. I'm thinking I could never do this.  I can't trust like that.  There is a real trust there. Something that is fundamental to the art.

I want to take his women's self defense class next month.  I want to try. For my friends who are coming. For the person I trust to teach my son. For myself.  I don't know if I can do it. 

I tried talking to my husband about how I feel. But I didn't really get to the trust part, I was still stuck back in the automatic self preservation mode explanation.  But after seeing J and M working on the holds together I started to understand.  It is the trust I need to work on.  

Trust people inside my zone.  Trust people to put their hands on me to teach me. Not to hurt me. To teach me.   I need to trust them enough so I can let my guard down so I can learn.  Letting the guard down means really being in the moment, being present there and now. Not in the past where I learned to break free and stay free of holds.  Nor in the future when I might need to do so again. I need to be present, there fully, and be able to trust and learn.

I'll keep you posted, see how this part of the journey goes. For the Scarred Seeker is still scarred and she is still seeking...


  1. Wow - SUCH a huge step. For you. For any of us with 'trust issues.' I applaud you for even giving consideration to joining the class, I really do. Once again, this makes me think about how often we -- ok, let's be real here: I -- can sing along in Sunday service or with the car radio/CD to songs about trust, but when it comes right down to it...do I? Can I? Will I? Trust others? Trust my Father God to care for all the details in my life, big and small: my spouse, my kids, our health, our home, our financial situation? I've been held in choke holds, dropped on my head and kicked to the curb so much over the years and have morphed into SUCH a control freak. But God is not like other people, the other people who've hurt me (and the few who continue to do so) in my life. Not even close. It's a moment by moment lesson.

    I'm cheering you on this new journey. Take it slowly. Step by step. And breathe.

  2. Pam - you are such an encouragement to me! Thank you for sharing so openly and for cheering me on!

  3. From Facebook from Dan L Hays (if Blogger won't let you comment please message me!)

    Way to go, Shanyn! It sounds like when you went to your son's class, you intuitively knew you wanted to do something similar for yourself. Way to honor your truth, and have the courage to act on it! I'm sure it will be scary at first, but you will gain so much from the experience! This is a BIG deal, Shanyn! Do keep us posted!


  4. Mystic Mom, as an incest survivor, I understand your fear and lack of trust. It took me a few years of recovery to realize that I still didn't trust women. Nobody would have guessed it because I had a lot of women friends. The women in my childhood were all judgmental so I thought that my adult women friends would be too if they got to know the real me so even though we were friends, there were parts of me that they still weren't allowed to get close to or to see. Maybe that is why I am so open today. That doesn't mean that I trust everyone. I don't.

    I had to learn to trust myself and God before I could trust anyone else to get that close. My inner children didn't trust me to keep them safe since I wasn't able to do it when I was a child.

    Part of learning to trust myself had to do with becoming comfortable with my feelings and my intuition - knowing that the gut feelings that told me whether another person was trustworthy or not were most often true. I had to learn to trust myself first. I had to convince my inner children, that as an adult, I could keep them safe.

    I had my own ah-ah moment in a college art class. When I am afraid, I try to control things. I had worked on letting go of my controlling behavior for a few years when I took the art class. One evening in class, through a drawing that I did and my reaction to another art student, I found an area that I was still being controlling in. Until that night, the control was hidden from me.

    Mystic_Mom, I think that is what this class will do for you. It has already, through your son's class, shown you what was in hiding - lack of trust. Now you have the awareness needed to make the changes in yourself, if you choose to. Start out by knowing that you will know when to tap, if you need to. This is great, and fearful to you, progress. You can do it.

  5. Patricia - thank you for sharing about your own trust journey. Thank you for being such an encouragement. I'm fearfully anticipating something great! :-) So glad to call you friend.

  6. I applaud this move!

    Trust is hard.I am not automatically obligated to trust other people in recovery.Trust is earned. I trust my intuition very much.What I have found is that the hard part is trusting myself even when no one else agrees with me. It doesn't mean I need to trust others more;its not about trying to control. It means listening to my gut. Often times, now, it means I stand alone, and get alot of criticism from others. In fact I have even been banned from a couple of webpages for speaking my truth- The truth- about a situation or two.

    Best wishes for another leg on your recovery journey!


  7. Liz, thanks for coming by. I appreciate your sharing and your encouragement as well!

  8. sometimes trust can be deep seated, deeper than we mentally can understand. Things happen that as children or in such a state of fright/trauma that we cannot remember but just are left with such a strong sense of mistrust. in my case, the abuse and trauma was so deep seated because so many events took place that taught me I could not trust others. it was a long journey. I had to not push myself into something if I felt anxious but to do therapy (trauma therapy) first to see what the trigger was so that it could be turned into a blessed lesson instead of a crippling emotion.

    It is so nice to read these comments, here. to see so much kindness and encouragement.


  9. I am so glad you shared it. Just reading about it made my own heart race. A good friend started teaching me some martial arts as defense a few years ago and when we got to the choke holds, I froze. He choked me, and I couldn't stop him and I couldn't tap him. If he hadn't realised I was fear frozen, he would have choked me. At the time, this was a friend I would have trusted with my life, yet put in a dangerous situation, I couldn't do it. Trust is a huge, huge issue for me too.

  10. LindyLou - thank you for coming by. There is a lot of kindness and encouragement here, you are so right. Thank you for sharing as well.

    Zoe - I had no idea that happened to you! I thank you for sharing it. Trust is an issue that is hard to explain to someone who doesn't understand what it means to not just 'lose' trust but to have it ripped out of your hand, out of your hands. Hugs you!

  11. Great post, MM. As you know, I think martial arts training is a huge benefit for anyone, for a myriad of reasons.

    For myself, the greatest trust comes during throws, when we are clinching. It is really scary for me to fall, and to know someone is going to kick my legs out from under me and throw me. But I took falling lessons from an Aikido student, and then just had to let go of my fear. The first time I fell, it happened so quickly that I didn't even have time to be scared. The mat protected me, so it didn't hurt. And after that, I learned how to prevent people from throwing me. I probably wouldn't have been able to do that if I hadn't been willing to let myself fall.

    Good luck in the class!

  12. Thanks Story Teller, your story is very inspiring! Thanks for sharing that, I'm sure that would require a lot of trust and once you know how to fall it really helps, preventing people from throwing you is best though.

  13. i have observed how much children trust too...what happens as we age?!! I know when I have difficulties in my day I just repeat over and over, "Jesus I trust in You."
    I am your newest follower..pls follow back if you can.