Standing Still

and watching you walk away.  That is what it feels like.  It feels like I've been watching you walk away for a long time.  You look over your shoulder and say, "Do it my way and you can come..." and I stay standing there because the answer is No.


Watching you walk away,
Watching you leave me.
Standing there. Waiting.
Hands out. Heart open.

Watching you look at me.
Hearing you say, "Come and
do it my way"
Hearing me say, "I'd rather stay."
Hands down. Eyes clear.

Watching you walk away.
Knowing I couldn't go,
Knowing you couldn't stay.
Watching you go.
Hands open, in prayer.

I wrote to heal, you read blame.  I wrote to be stronger, you read and responded in blame.  I walk this healing path and wish for you to know all the hopeful, faith-filled, beauty and love words I've written.  

You only see what you wanted.  It's easy to put conditions on things when you've always had the power.  But when someone else finds their strength and says, "No." 


No. Said with love. Questions asked in love.  No blame, only healing.  No said with the weight of my heart getting lighter without fear and without blame.  No said with forgiveness going both ways, all ways and always. 

If you turn around you'll see my living my life through the open door you walked away from.  I won't close it, but I won't chase you through it.  You cannot put conditions on me for the sole purpose of your comfort and to protect your reputation.

And still I'm standing here watching you walk away and knowing that for you it was easier than staying.  It was easier than trying.  It was easier to make me dirty and bad than it was to clean the wounds and heal.  It's easier to walk away from me, from you, from us than it is to start over. Start fresh. Start anew.

I know in my heart that you don't understand the words I say and I accept that.  I accept that the story you tell will be your truth.  I stand still watching you walk away and still I would welcome you back.

I hear the silence of family and friends and I know the spin has begun.  I stand still watching you walk away.  Standing here and knowing that to everyone else you see I'm to blame.

I love you. I truly do.  I hold no malice, or blame. It's true.

You won't see those words, not today or tomorrow, but someday maybe you will.  I pray you will.  I don't miss what was, but I miss what could have been.