List your experiences and qualifications that make you the ideal candidate for this position...
Let us see who you are so we know you are the person we want for our _________________...
I'm stuck! Really, honestly totally stuck! There are two things I'd like to apply to do, wild and crazy of me, and they both require that I tell about me.
This is how it goes for me, the survivor:
- Excellent leadership skills (inner voice mumbles leading what? mush headed rejects?)
- Dynamic speaker (inner voice criticizes speaking? you don't make sense, no one gets you)
- Independent and Creative (inner voice mocks of course you are, who would want to work with you?
- Intelligent, knowledgeable, qualified (inner voice screams LOSER LIAR LONER DUMMY FAKE WHEN THEY FIGURE IT OUT YOU ARE BUSTED)
I freeze up. How can I talk about myself when don't even know what to say?
I am a good story teller, I'm a passionate advocate, I'm a good behind the scenes person to make things happen. I'm good in the shadows where no one can see or sense my scars, my fear, my pain, my inability to get past the inner voices who only want me to fail. They wouldn't say, fail, they would say, "not doing what we think is best with the undertone of, because you obviously have no idea what is best so we'll take care of that".
I do know they are liars, but they are the only ones I can hear when I'm faced with telling someone about me. I don't even think I have a good idea of how those who love me see me because I've been tangled up for so long. Every achievement has been because of their awesomeness (nothing to do with me at all) and every failure has been because of my utter failure to be what they wanted (nothing at all to do with me, vicarious living ain't fun or easy for anyone).
How does God see me?
How does my son or husband?
How about my friends?
My family? Okay some of them I do know, it is their voices I hear when the inner voices are shouting at me.
I know how I would like to be seen, but is it really how I'm seen? I have maybe five photos that I think are good ones of me, only one or two are of me alone. The rest are with those whom I love best and I think they are great photos because I'm able to reflect love.
Bigger still is the question that I think we all face what makes us think we deserve to be seen as loving, worthy, sweet, kind, tough, resilient, caring, dynamic when all along we've been led to believe we are dirty, whorish, small minded, cruel, worthless, unlikeable, unlovable and do I need to go on?
Even in the face of it being a lie it is still hard to get past it...I would love to be able to say, "I am totally the best person for this and I know this because of the following..." and I would love to have the silence of confidence inside where there are no doubters in my mind and there are no traitors in my corner.
Can I do it because I know I'm really qualified and a good candidate or can I do it thinking I'll fake it until someone figures out I shouldn't be here and I'll quietly leave...
Friends, survivors - how would you describe you?
How do you think the people who love you most see you?
Today I'm struggling and today I'm going to find the words!
PART II: Tangled Wire Knots
My loved ones see me as the one who loves them fiercely and with flaws....like anger, yelling, crying. They each know I love them and would go to the wall for them and that my anger is towards myself and my "history", not them.
ReplyDeleteMy employers have always seen me as strong, directed, competent. I always have doubted that I could keep it up for long......but I did.
We are the only witnesses to our own pain. We are the ones who need to be the cheerleader in our lives too but most of us survivors are our own worst critic.
Be who you need to be to start the "now" awareness that you need, want and desire. I along with others will certainly be rooting for you and your attaining your goals. Go girl. The Olde Bagg
Thanks Linda! Your words come with love and wisdom - you are right we are our only witness and we are the ones who need to cheer lead for us as well...Bright blessings!
ReplyDeleteI think this is the whole blog post, let me think about it... Maybe we should write together once again on this topic?
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to this in so many ways I don't even know where to begin although it was strange seeing all of this written out because it was a reflection of the very thing I have dealt with mentally all these years.. It is always hard for me to describe myself!! However I am learning how too even in spite of the voices that echo in my mind.
ReplyDeleteKsenia we do need to write together again, soon!
ReplyDeleteNsktOne: thanks for your comment, and I'm glad you are able to move forward as well!
Hi! I met you via Darlene at EFB and found your blog via a comment by Darlene and I'm so glad I did!
ReplyDeleteI can so relate to what you are describing here! I remember when I was breaking free of the past and I realized similar questions...to create a new "self" or in my case a first "self" outside of what I was told I was by my family...I realized I didn't know what I liked or didn't like. So this is where I started and I would purpose to not just do or accept what was before me but I would ask myself the question "do I like this" and for the first time in my life I decided the answers for myself.
I love this post and the insightful questions you are putting out there..thanks for a great post!
Susan: thanks for stopping by! I'm glad we connected via Darlene. Your point about not knowing what you like or not because you don't know who you are is so true. We so often have to start there and work our way up.
ReplyDeleteOh,Shan, I just wanted to weep when I read this. I have read it three times now, over several days, because there is so much I want to say in response that I hardly know where to start.
ReplyDeleteFirstly, I HEAR YOU. I weep with you because I totally get where you are coming from. But on the other hand, I see you so differently from what those EVIL voices whisper and scream at you that I weep because of the twisted pain of their lies. And having had my own despicably silky voices to reject, and knowing how persistent and insidious they still are, and how deftly they corrupt, I want to try to scream louder than them - to howl them down, pull them out by their murderous roots and throw them into the fire where they belong: "NO. Shanyn is NOT a fake, She is PRECIOUS, like the most luminous of OPALS, an ever changing, shimmering rainbow. She is SO gentle, so wise, so passionate, so joyous and so creative. She sees beauty in even the most mundane - she teaches us to seek the LORD in a million new ways. She is HIS DEAR CHILD, and HE has the most amazing purpose for her life. HE is lifting her up from the clay, but HE will set her feet on the ROCK and WE can already see HIM reflected in her. DON'T TOUCH HER - she belongs to the KING, and HE is COMING BACK FOR HER. She will NEVER belong to you, for she is HIS and HE has claimed her, SET HER FREE from ALL that is not of HIM." PLEASE, don't listen to those voices, those GREMLINS in your mind. I know how they can twist and pervert every good thing to fit their premise 'logically'. but their very PREMISE is a LIE, and no truth can ever come from it. The TRUTH is that GOD made you, the unique individual HE wanted you to be, and although you are fallen (as are we all), He sent HIS SON to set you free to be the person HE created you to be - with all that unique glory. And HE can take life's garbage - that of our own making as well as that foisted on us by others, and use it to spin PURE GOLD. But with you, in the gold, I see flecks of the most dazzling of deep, vibrant opals. So shine, my dearest sister and do not be ashamed nor afraid of those flashes of gorgeous colour amidst the gold He is weaving of your life. You brighten my life and I give thanks for every day that the LORD has allowed our lives to touch. And I look forward to seeing the true 'you' unfold even more, bit by bit. Oh, and I am always happy to join you in that most exciting of indoor sports - GREMLIN BASHING!!!
Zoe - you bless me with your words, your love and your friendship! Gonna polish up my gremlin smacking stick :-)
ReplyDelete