Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Horror Movie

Betrayal by a friend.  By someone who could be family.  It is a theme that is abundant at Easter time.  Betrayal of Jesus.  Betrayal of a people.  Being chosen to be sold out.  It's like a horror movie.  Here, let me befriend you and then I'll sell you out in the end.

And the really nasty horror isn't the amount you are sold out for but that you were sold out by someone who you trusted.  For me it has been a slow dawning realization that there are a few people who I thought were mostly unaware and unable who were both very aware and very able but choose not to be.

It's like looking at someone you felt was a foe and feeling pretty confident because you had someone backing you up.  Someone behind you that you could trust.  What happens when your supposed foe looks at you in horror and shock because they are seeing what you cannot...the one you trusted enough to have your back has been waiting to shank you.  Choosing to bring you hurt. Selling you out.  Leaving you out to dry.  Using your words against you.  Taking your trust and making it something shameful and ugly.

It's like knowing something isn't right but you don't have enough of the pieces to make the picture make sense and then you get that final piece and BANG it does. And it breaks your heart.  It makes you ill. It makes so many things make sense.  Not the least of which is how you almost always got left hanging out in the wind when you thought you had an advocate, a champion or at least a friend who you could trust.

I gotta tell you, this is a place that totally sucks.  It requires a review and refocus on many things that have been assumed.  Many things that were brushed aside are now sharply in focus and suddenly making a terrible amount of sense.

Maybe it was a friend or a family member or someone who counselled you.  It could have been almost anyone that had a tiny bit of your trust.  Just enough to have you let them stand behind you at your unprotected back.  Yeah, THAT someone!

She wasn't unable to help she choose not to.  Those times when the wrath came raining down upon you he was the rat.  When your spirit screamed for a voice, they counselled silence.  Not for you but for them!

The battles you thought you fought together on common ground were nothing of the sort. They were games to them.  Those times you tried or succeeded in confiding you were being led into betrayal.  That weirdness that didn't make sense in this new light really does.  And in making sense you are peeling back layers you didn't even know.

In those layers are truth and in that truth is freedom and in that freedom is healing and in healing we can find our wings and fly!  I'm learning this, and it really and truly has tried me and cause me many tears.  It has also confirmed many things and most importantly revealed that the crazy maker wasn't me!

Yes, you heard me right...and I'll come back tomorrow with that post...after all shouldn't the crazy maker have his or her own post?  They deserve it...they earned it!


  1. When we have the kind of abuse in our childhood that we have had, we don't always know who to trust. We either don't trust ANYONE or we trust ALL THE WRONG PEOPLE.

    I know part of my problem is that I don't wait, I jump in too quickly. I don't know any different really. I either shrink completely from trusting, or I jump in all the way in such short time because something in me just liked someone. I don't have any balance in the way I choose to give trust.

    But then I think, well, this is something I see a lot of people go through, so we aren't alone in not seeing things clearly all the time. Doesn't make the pain any more bearable when we are betrayed though. And it makes us doubt ourselves even more!

    I can feel your hurt in this post, and I'm really sorry for what you are going through. :(


  2. Thanks for your comment Carla, and you are spot on. Thanks for the hugs and the love. I'm still just so surprised that it was such a long betrayal. And I know they don't even see it that way because it's their way of doing things.

  3. I like the pain in this post. The pain in this post tells me that you are really seeing what happened is not your fault. There is freedom and healing in that. The pain in this post tells me that the lies are being exposed and the truth is taking their place. There is SO much freedom and healing in that. I think that pain can be a great vehicle ~ from one point of healing to the next one. None of us wants to ride it, but the it is also the vehicle that takes us to truth, and there we always find what we have been searching so hard for... healing, wholeness and freedom from that prison we used to live in.
    Hugs, Hugs, and some more hugs!

  4. Yes! Darlene yes! This is so true. There is freedom in this pain because it is peeling back and cleaning some old layers. I found with this pain that it had two layers - the first 'snappy hurt' of exposing the lie, the wound, and then a deeper, 'ache' because the wounding was so insidious and I didn't know it was happening for years. Getting to it also means we can get through it, if we are able to move through the pain to the healing. Thank you for coming by!