but I'm going to...
If there was ever a verbal warning that someone was going to punch you in the gut with their words that is it! So often it is couched in the false belief that all truth is a good truth. It also creates a false place where the lie we are forced to believe is an enforced truth.
I hate to tell you...but you have lettuce in your teeth.
Okay, that's cool. That's fair. Like telling someone they had toilet paper on their shoe or that their skirt was tucked into their hose. It doesn't cause hurt and it doesn't bring hurt through telling someone something they cannot do anything about. It also doesn't cause hurt by creating a false place of truth in a lie such as: you asked for it. You are a dirty girl. Good girls don't have bad things happen. You are nothing without me. You are worthless.
When someone tells you hurtful things clothed in their version of truth often enough you'll start to believe their lies as truths because they hurt the same way.
The real cue here is the opening I hate to tell you should really say, "Not only do I know this will hurt you but it will also be your fault because any rational person would know better and it is my job to tell you because even a hurtful truth is still the truth."
Oh and they don't hate to tell you. They relish telling you. They look forward to the hurt in your face while they bask in their rightness. There is no compassion. There is no love. There is only a a desire for maintaining control and delivering hurt.. It is about power and that power is not meant to belong to you or me.
Another one that sends waves of fear and stress through me are the openers: it's for your own good, or the truth hurts and honesty is the best policy.
Now to be clear when truth needs to be told it should be told but not with the intent to cause more hurt or harm. No one should have to be wounded more than necessary. If I need truth, if I need honesty then please don't cloak it in cruelty. Don't waste your breath telling me it's for my own good. I told the truth about things that happened to me and it wasn't with the intent to cause hurt or harm to anyone.
I needed to stop being silent from fear and I had to start healing. That wasn't going to happen if I had to be scared silent and afraid.
Too often I've heard abusers and manipulators and controllers use this weapon against those who don't know how to fight against it. There are few things that hurt more than seeing someone enjoy hurting you with something misnamed truth. How can something that is supposed to be benign and freeing be used for such deliberate hurting intent?
There are times that truth hurts but it is a healing hurt and it is one we need to be able to face, feel and work our way through. Those who deliver these truths, the bearers of these honesties are not doing their task lightly or with malice. They aren't telling me I asked for it or that I had it coming. They are not enjoying the delivery of pain and that is the difference to me.
Feel that you need to tell me my pants are ripped on the back? Please do!
Feel the need to tell me that my pants make me look fat and frumpy? Please don't. You don't have the right to share that because there is hurt in your intentions.
What is the test for truth? For me it is simple: can you deliver it with compassion? Does knowing it, how you are telling it, help me? Are you enjoying delivering hurt? Are you felling superior or better for knowing it over me? I would suggest that if you cannot say no to all then you should be quiet.
Walking a healing path is not easy. It is full of pitfalls, traps and places of hurt which surprise us. Doing this self work requires us to learn to be gentle with our selves. If those around us who are there to help cannot also be gentle they ought to consider their motives and desires.
Not everyone wants us to heal or to be happy. There are many who would like to say you don't have a great track record in dealing with ___________ and are happy to keep reminding you of your shortfalls, past and seem to delight in denying or poking at the wounds we carry.
Not everyone can accept our place on the journey, but it is our journey!
Don't let anyone take it away from you...