"Even if you don't feel it, you should fake it 'until you make it'."
What? How? But the...I'm confused!
This, endorsed by a pastor, came up on a 'Question of the Day' for me in a group I belong to. It was something that resonated with me but not in a positive way and I'm afraid that my response wasn't either.
This does not, cannot, work for me. I cannot fake it anymore. That doesn't mean I'm going to be a socially unacceptable raving person but I'm not going to be nice just because it is expected and hope I'll feel nice sooner or later!
Maybe I'm taking this too deeply or even too literally but it seems to me that we should be honest with how we feel. That doesn't mean cruelly or in a hurtful way. Nothing it more harmful than a telling the truth in order to hurt. When someone does that they are taking away the power of the truth and instead inserting their desire for control and power. (But we'll save the "I hate to tell you but I'm gonna anyway" post for another time!)
This is directed at ourselves and how our desire to be that which we are not (yet, meant to be or ?) by pretending. That pretending, that falseness is what makes the lies of abuse and the silent assenter so hurtful and painful.
They wish to fake it until it is normal.
They want to fake it until it is right.
They want to fake it until it goes away.
They want to fake it until it is okay to be false! They want a normal that isn't. Where they don't have to actually be responsible or acknowledge the hurt. They want you and I to quietly fake ourselves away.
I cannot fake it! I won't. It would dishonour the healing. It would take away from the value of healing and it would say it is okay for you to have been hurt.
When I cannot be nice because I don't feel nice - I stay away from people.
When my healing is awkward for you then you should stay away from me. Don't ask me to fake it until I make it because I don't know that the end of the journey is worth skipping over the stuff in between. In fact I'm fairly certain that missing the middle negates the experience at the end.
It feels false to put on a smile, serve tea or hug someone when inside I am screaming NO! It isn't me needing to 'be nice for now' because of a social requirement. Sorry folks, I won't spit on you in public but I'm not going to be your fawning fan or best friend either.
If you think I don't like you perhaps it is what you stand for that I don't like. Maybe I'm not sure I want to be around someone who is so ready to deny their true feelings for such little truth. Maybe I don't really know you the person but understand what you stand for and support speaks volumes! Sometimes it even shouts from the rooftops!
Don't send me threats, and don't send me offers of once you've changed you can come around again or even when you are ready to abide by my rules you know where I'm at. I do know exactly where you are at and as long as you are there it is one place that I will not be!
I won't fake my feelings into something they are not and maybe won't ever be.
If I am hurt, I might cry.
If I am scared, I might hide away.
If I don't trust you, I won't put myself where I must trust you.
If I don't understand you, I will pray and I will try.
If I am worried, I fuss and I pray.
If I am cut, I will bleed. I will bear a scar.
Faking it takes away from our journey. Faking it can be dangerous and it can be deadly. It can be fun. But not for me. I've been burned by the fakes who finally stopped faking and it's just not worth it. It hurts too much when the false face falls away. It hurts too much when they realize that they cannot fake it anymore and the truth comes out. A truth that I've often suspected but never wanted to believe because the fake it face was so appealing.
Be honest, but don't be honest to hurt. Be honest to heal. Show love, scatter joy and share prayers. We are on this journey together, shouldn't we make it as genuine and special as possible?