Friday, June 25, 2010

I am...

I hate the world today 
You're so good to me 
I know but I can't change 
tried to tell you but you look at me like maybe I'm an angel 
innocent and sweet 
Yesterday I cried 
You must have been relieved to see the softer side 
I can understand how you'd be so confused 
I don't envy you 
I'm a little bit of everything 
all rolled into one 

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover 
I'm a child, I'm a mother 
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint 
I do not feel ashamed 
I'm your health, I'm your dream 
I'm nothing in between 
You know you wouldn't want it any other way 

So take me as I am 
This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man 
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous 
and I'm going to extremes 
tomorrow I will change 
and today won't mean a thing 


Just when you think you've got me figured out 
the season's already changing 
I think it's cool you do what you do 
and don't try to save me 


I'm a bitch, I'm a tease 
I'm a goddess on my knees 
when you hurt, when you suffer 
I'm your angel undercover 
I've been numbed, I'm revived 
can't say I'm not alive 
You know I wouldn't want it any other way 

Copyright Meredith Brooks

I'll admit it, when I first heard this song it was so hard for me to listen to - my strong self had not yet emerged and it was scandalous to me that someone could and would sing so proudly about being all aspects of her own self.  It really shook me to the core and yet I listened, quietly and secretly, to the song.  To the words, until one day I just started singing - really loud and out loud.

Guess what?  I was not smoted, I was not struck down by the holy lightning of control, toeing the line, being 'less' or by being 'more' of what I was.  I started to realize that this song was a story that could be told in tears, burning cheeks, bruises, scars and direct gazes that dared, DARED, to say, "If you cannot accept me for who I am, whatever place I am in, then you aren't the one to be with me."  

Friend, lover, parent, sibling, stranger on a bus...the embarrassed lady in the produce aisle that caught me singing at the local Safeway.  I didn't apologize, and she just sorta smiled like maybe, just maybe she wished she could say the words.  Just to see how they felt, to see if the world would come crashing down upon her for shedding her outer layers just long enough to let the La Loba inside breathe.  See if the dragon still can fly.  See if the birds can sing with random abandon.  To see if the sparks burned as brightly on the skin as they did in the night sky.

There might be more on this later, in a Part 2.


  1. That is one of my favorite songs. Because it does in fact bring it all together and say "I am many things, and there is much more of me to come to light...if you love me, you're going to have to love all of me, because inside of me is everything."

    It's a great song to sing out loud and REALLY LOUD!

    Embrace the self, because she is simply amazing ;)

  2. Ya baby! Sing it.

    When we embrace who we really are instead of who we think we want to be, because of who we were told we should be... it is amazing what happens!

    Hugs, Darlene

  3. I am the dark and the light and everything in between. My husband has seen them all. Some he likes better than others and I can't blame him for that. There are some parts of me that I can acknowledge for who they are and the parts they have played in my life. It took the strong parts to help all of me survive the incest and the emotional abuse. We all have parts of who we are even if you are a singleton like me. I recently learned that my last name of Singleton is also used to describe those of us who did not, for some unknown reason, split into more than one personality because of the abuse that we suffered.