Sunday, August 1, 2010

I don't have to say sorry when I'm right!

Yeah, isn't that the kicker?  When we are in a situation of abuse being right can be the worst thing to be, and when we are healing  sometimes we feel we have to be dumber than or apologize for being right in order to keep those new people in our lives happy with us.  We have not learned that it is okay to be right, even if it is right for us or just for right now.  When do we get to the place where we can say, "I'm right, and I don't have to say sorry for it"?  It took me a very long time to find that place on my travels on the Survivor Trail where I didn't have to say sorry for who I was, for when I was right or for when I had my own thoughts and feelings.

Let me give you some background - in my family if you think you remember something and you share that memory you will be wrong.  No matter what it is, no matter how recent or distantly past, no matter what it was someone will not only dispute you but they will tell you that you are wrong and expect you to be sorry for your mistake...even when everything in you is screaming that you are not wrong.

I know sometimes I've been right, but I have not only been forced to back down but also to say "I am sorry" because to them it was not possible that I COULD be right.  It was never based on fact, it was never based on knowledge - it was based simply on the belief of those in  a place of dysfunctional control that there is no way you can independently correct or right.  

So here I am, thinking back upon the visit of a week or so ago - and thinking that there were times I was so certain that I was correct in a memory or fact.  And it was still argued, still I was expected to be wrong and I was still expected to be sorry for being wrong.  I didn't let myself be pressured into that  this time, but it was hard!  Flash forward to today - working on a call for my job. 

My job, where I am responsible for being if not right, on the right track or finding the way to it,  can be both challenging and frustrating.  When I'm challenged I'm learning that it is often because of someone's lack of knowledge, understanding or common experience (and make no mistake that someone can be me!).  I don't say I'm sorry for being right.  I don't say I'm sorry for knowing what I know.  I am not a threat because I know something they don't.  I'm an asset, I have value.  Do you know what that feels like?  Scary, terrific, horrifying and somehow so right!

When we survive being right we feel like there is a weight lifted off our lives...the first time I told my Dad that he could not only be wrong but that at the same time I could also be right I thought I was going to be smoted.  

I feared the world would end, and in a way it did...because over 8 years later I'm still right.  I still won't say sorry for being right.  I embrace and love the blessings that I have because for the first time in my life, in my 30's I was able to say, "I know I am right, it is conceivable that you are wrong.  I am not sorry for being right."

Today I am standing my ground, without apology, because it is my job to speak up for those with no other voice speaking for them.  In my volunteer work I advocate and educate.  In my family, I encourage finding our way without blame because it is the path to knowing that is more important than just knowledge. They both have value but the knowing is the heart, the knowledge the mind - and we strive very hard not to value the person based on one or the other in isolation.

Never say you are sorry for knowing your own story, your own scars and your own life.  Never say you are sorry for being right, because I'm confident that we wouldn't use our 'being right' as a stick to beat up on another person.  

This is my story, and I understand it is not yours, but sometimes we find common links and shared paths...and I'd like to thank you for sharing this part of my journey with brightly blessed, always and in all ways...


  1. No matter the facts, the reason, the logic, or the evidence...because it was me, I was always wrong.

    I dreamed of a day when I could just breath without having to worry about defending myself. For the most part...I have that. But to have it...I had to say, enough is enough and let go.

    I'm glad you are still standing and being right <3

    Good job :)

  2. It is amazing the effect of the past conditioning has on us, isn't it? I get this post. This was just one more way that we were controlled by being told that we were wrong. I remember when I was getting stronger and someone said to me "well that isn't the way that I see it" and I said "well I don't care how you see it". PERIOD. and he shut up. Whoo hooo that was a huge victory for me.
    Thanks for this post!
    Hugs, Darlene