Monday, January 10, 2011

Love isn't about Hurt

This is the first time I'm going to be doing a two part post, one here and one on Strawberry Roan.  I've been seriously drawn to do this, especially for our sisters and brothers who believe that desires of humans trump the will of God.  This verse is the one that pushed me forward, and I hope you'll join me here and over there as well.

There is no fear in love; 
but perfect love casteth out fear ...—1 John 4:18

When they said, I love you but I don't like you there was no love.
When they said, You better love them they are your ____ there was no love.
When the said, You have to love me on my terms there was no love.

When you said I'm afraid and they laughed and then punished you for not loving them right there was no love.

I've come to a huge, world shattering understanding in my life and that is I cannot truly love you if I fear you.  I cannot live and breathe and be love if there is control, neglect, abuse, obligation and fear.

My second huge, world healing understanding has been when there is love the fear can be cast out.  Fear, like a living thing, doesn't go easily but it cannot live where there is love.  Fear must feed and to feed it needs tears, pain, hurt, mistrust, greed, and blood.  When those things are absent, so is fear.

I was taught fear  and I was taught obligatory love but what I wasn't taught was this: neither of these things are love.

I yearned towards God and God's love.  I wanted so badly to share in that but even the church became a place of fear and a supposed 'man of God' delivered that fear.  The threats of wrath and the who would believe someone like YOU kept me thinking that there was something wrong but no one could tell me what that was.  More on this over at Strawberry Roan...

Fear had an icy hand on my life for so long...and looking back I realize that fear isn't a hand.

Fear is a glove that abusers wear.
Fear is a hammer that controllers wield.
Fear is a threat that bullies wave around.

Fear can be healthy don't think it can't.  It was fear that made me run away from an abusive family and ex husband.   It was fear that drove me to consider seriously the impact of certain people in my life. 

 Fear can keep us alive.  Fear can also keep us from living.

Fear is not love.  Love is not fear.

Love isn't about hurting someone.
Love isn't about using fear to control someone.
Love is imperfect, human and all to wonderful but with all the things that it is fear is not one of them.

I refused to stay living in fear, and that meant setting some boundaries and establishing some distance.  Strangely, I should have feared doing that, but instead I was set free!  Isn't that something?

What fears have held you away from love?


  1. I left a comment at Strawberry Roan too.
    Good post- having lived in fear for so many years, I totally agree that fear and love cannot co-habit- if you are living in fear, it becomes impossible to "love" the perpetrator. Hope you are on the way to recovery- it took me a few years with some excellent Christian counselling- but I finally got there- and it's great~! I fel clean, free and loved wholesomely, by God- it's amazing grace at work in my life. God Bless!

  2. This is so true. I was 19 when I realized that I had lived in fear for most, if not all, of my life up to that day. Soon after, I ran away from home or I would have had a mental breakdown. The stress of being afraid had caught up with me.

  3. Mary - great to see you on both posts! :-) and you are so right it feels clean and free to be able to love without fear. Grace be with you!

    Patricia - the stress of fear has made for more sick days than the flu sometimes in my life. Even when I couldn't face the root of the fear, I did learn to flee from it - even if just for a while. Eventually it came to me that I was tired of being afraid and then I looked at what was causing the fear, and then I was able to take steps to remove the cause and the fear. Thanks for stopping by!

  4. Wow, great post, my life up has been lived with the icy grip and fog of fear, only since I spoke out last year did the fear take a lesser place in my life - speaking out in spite of the fear helped reduce the impact of the fear upon me and my life - fear is still there, yeah sure it is, but I'm not quite so controlled as it as I was

  5. So good to see you here Fi, and that icy grip and fog does dissipate when we speak out, not quickly and not easily but the sunshine is worth it! Hugs you!

  6. I am struggling with this right now. Setting boundaries and distance from parents who were abusive and I am afraid to do it! I am afraid to lose what I have even though I have nothing worth holding on to.

    Thank you for saying what you said about love and freedom.

  7. Mouse, thank you for being here and for your courage to share. It is isn't easy setting boundaries with parents, but you do have a point - why do we hold on to what isn't really worth holding on for? Fear isn't love, and love isn't fear - there is freedom in that. Hugs for you, and I know you'll find your way to make those boundaries fit for you and what you need.

  8. Thank you, thank you for this. It touched, right where it was needed.
    God Bless you.

  9. Thank you Scripted for sharing...bless you!