My response to a post on Emerging from Broken: "Forgiveness, for me, is the process of letting go of the people who choose to either abuse or remain silent or both. It is letting go of the hurt I’ve held on to because I thought it was mine. It is letting go of the implied and expressed obligations to them to answer calls, attend functions, to ‘follow their rules’. It is surrendering myself to God for the healing journey and getting rid of the stuff I don’t want to pack with me – namely them and their stuff! That is forgiveness to me. It is not excusing or explaining or making it go away, it is freeing up my voice, my life and letting me finally be as I was meant to be. Scars and all. If I say to them, “I forgive you.” I am also saying, “I don’t excuse you, I don’t want a relationship with you unless there is healing.” Forgiving is letting them go for God to deal with, and I have faith that He will."
I think I might expand upon that a bit here as well. Or perhaps wax poetic.
Forgiveness is not for you.
It is a gift to me.
It gives me the freedom to heal.
Forgiveness is not about you.
It is about me.
It gives me the freedom to release you.
Forgiveness is not about you.
It is about me letting go of the hurt.
It gives me the freedom to let you carry your weight alone.
Forgiveness is not about you.
It is about me walking my own walk,
It gives me the freedom to carry my own load.
Forgiveness is not about you.
It is about me.
It gives me the freedom to leave you, your stuff, behind.
Forgiveness is not about you.
It is about me.
It is about me finding my way out from under you.
Forgiveness is not about you.
It is about me.
It is my gift to healing, my song to sing.
Forgiveness is not about you.
It is about me.
It is not an obligation, a requirement, a relationship.
It is forgiveness.
That is all...
Monday, June 6, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
Missed Me
In your hurry to layout your conditions and rules you missed me.
In your rush to forget what happened you missed me.
In your desire to be right and powerful you missed me.
You missed my healing and you missed my faith renewed.
You missed chances to laugh and chances to bind wounds together.
In your need to control the spin and the image you missed me.
In your urge to always be right you missed me.
In your quick to layout the list of wrongs you missed me.
You missed the words of love and you missed my longing for reconciliation.
You missed a chance to choose differently and you missed me.
In your wish to be seeing as right you missed me.
In declaring your status of being wronged you missed me.
In deciding to turn away and walk away you missed me.
You missed laugher and joy.
You missed flowers and bird song.
You missed finding who we could have been.
When you made it about you you missed me.
When you had to be setting the rules you missed me.
When you forgot that love is the greatest gift you missed me.
I'm not going to miss a moment of joy, laughter, sunshine, tears, fears or celebration because of that. I'm not missing my healing and redeemed life. I'm celebrating it!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Standing Still
and watching you walk away. That is what it feels like. It feels like I've been watching you walk away for a long time. You look over your shoulder and say, "Do it my way and you can come..." and I stay standing there because the answer is No.
Watching you walk away,
Watching you leave me.
Standing there. Waiting.
Hands out. Heart open.
Watching you look at me.
Hearing you say, "Come and
do it my way"
Hearing me say, "I'd rather stay."
Hands down. Eyes clear.
Watching you walk away.
Knowing I couldn't go,
Knowing you couldn't stay.
Watching you go.
Hands open, in prayer.
I wrote to heal, you read blame. I wrote to be stronger, you read and responded in blame. I walk this healing path and wish for you to know all the hopeful, faith-filled, beauty and love words I've written.
You only see what you wanted. It's easy to put conditions on things when you've always had the power. But when someone else finds their strength and says, "No."
No. Said with love. Questions asked in love. No blame, only healing. No said with the weight of my heart getting lighter without fear and without blame. No said with forgiveness going both ways, all ways and always.
If you turn around you'll see my living my life through the open door you walked away from. I won't close it, but I won't chase you through it. You cannot put conditions on me for the sole purpose of your comfort and to protect your reputation.
And still I'm standing here watching you walk away and knowing that for you it was easier than staying. It was easier than trying. It was easier to make me dirty and bad than it was to clean the wounds and heal. It's easier to walk away from me, from you, from us than it is to start over. Start fresh. Start anew.
I know in my heart that you don't understand the words I say and I accept that. I accept that the story you tell will be your truth. I stand still watching you walk away and still I would welcome you back.
I hear the silence of family and friends and I know the spin has begun. I stand still watching you walk away. Standing here and knowing that to everyone else you see I'm to blame.
I love you. I truly do. I hold no malice, or blame. It's true.
You won't see those words, not today or tomorrow, but someday maybe you will. I pray you will. I don't miss what was, but I miss what could have been.
Watching you walk away,
Watching you leave me.
Standing there. Waiting.
Hands out. Heart open.
Watching you look at me.
Hearing you say, "Come and
do it my way"
Hearing me say, "I'd rather stay."
Hands down. Eyes clear.
Watching you walk away.
Knowing I couldn't go,
Knowing you couldn't stay.
Watching you go.
Hands open, in prayer.
I wrote to heal, you read blame. I wrote to be stronger, you read and responded in blame. I walk this healing path and wish for you to know all the hopeful, faith-filled, beauty and love words I've written.
You only see what you wanted. It's easy to put conditions on things when you've always had the power. But when someone else finds their strength and says, "No."
No. Said with love. Questions asked in love. No blame, only healing. No said with the weight of my heart getting lighter without fear and without blame. No said with forgiveness going both ways, all ways and always.
If you turn around you'll see my living my life through the open door you walked away from. I won't close it, but I won't chase you through it. You cannot put conditions on me for the sole purpose of your comfort and to protect your reputation.
And still I'm standing here watching you walk away and knowing that for you it was easier than staying. It was easier than trying. It was easier to make me dirty and bad than it was to clean the wounds and heal. It's easier to walk away from me, from you, from us than it is to start over. Start fresh. Start anew.
I know in my heart that you don't understand the words I say and I accept that. I accept that the story you tell will be your truth. I stand still watching you walk away and still I would welcome you back.
I hear the silence of family and friends and I know the spin has begun. I stand still watching you walk away. Standing here and knowing that to everyone else you see I'm to blame.
I love you. I truly do. I hold no malice, or blame. It's true.
You won't see those words, not today or tomorrow, but someday maybe you will. I pray you will. I don't miss what was, but I miss what could have been.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Die of shame?
We all make mistakes. Things very frequently go wrong. People say, That's life! They say you cannot die of shame and yet when faced with the shame of a mistake I wish I could fade away to a shadow.
Embarrassment. Shame. Tears. Weakness. Needing someone. When you are taught the wrong messages about your emotions, about how you manage your life starting at a young age you can become confused and the need for control can lead to some very scary places.
You need to open up. How? How can I when the very act of wanting to reach out brings physical reactions of stress, fear and the deep mistrust comes roiling up like bile.
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent."
~ Eleanor Roosevelt
I've been taught to give consent by surrendering to the emotions, to the messages which were designed to keep me in someone's fist. How do I stop that? I don't know. I wish I knew. I think knowing it is a big step. Seeing it happen and reaching out, in little ways which seem so large. Trying, risking, stretching those healing wings to see if I can fly.
So it begins...and I'm not sure where it will go...but will we go together?
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Little Foxes
It's in the Song of Solomon about the foxes ruining vineyards, but it wasn't until I read a devotional yesterday that I understood what those foxes really are and they are the little frustrations, the nasty little voices, the stuff that throws us off track.
Staying on course when we are healing is important. Understanding what makes me lose my control and risk my progress is really a huge step for me. I found myself all day yesterday and today saying "Little foxes, stay way. Little foxes." whenever I felt that rushing, burning, hair pulling frustration that seems to just knock me off my track.
Who are your little foxes? What do they do or say? Knowing them is a good first step in dealing with them.
Mine are those actions that remind me of the times I was devalued and dismessed.
Mine are those words which seem to say, "ah if you mattered I'd care, but you don't so..."
Mine are those times when the littlest things make me boil inside.
Mine are those things like wet cloths in the sink, left open bread bags, dirty tubs, hole digging dogs...
Mine are those questions that are unheard and the answers dismissed.
Mine are all the times that that little demon whispers in my ear, "not worthy, not good enough, not smart enough, they were right about you all along since you were a kid, worthless, unlovable..."
And instead of, at least for the past couple of days, losing control I'm feeling at peace. I know their little pointy faces, I know their digging ways and I am staring them down. Little foxes, little foxes, go away! Go away! I feel like I am able to really see the roots of the lifelong struggle I've had and now I can start dealing with them. Little steps to deal with little foxes, leading to big leaps forward!
Staying on course when we are healing is important. Understanding what makes me lose my control and risk my progress is really a huge step for me. I found myself all day yesterday and today saying "Little foxes, stay way. Little foxes." whenever I felt that rushing, burning, hair pulling frustration that seems to just knock me off my track.
Who are your little foxes? What do they do or say? Knowing them is a good first step in dealing with them.
Mine are those actions that remind me of the times I was devalued and dismessed.
Mine are those words which seem to say, "ah if you mattered I'd care, but you don't so..."
Mine are those times when the littlest things make me boil inside.
Mine are those things like wet cloths in the sink, left open bread bags, dirty tubs, hole digging dogs...
Mine are those questions that are unheard and the answers dismissed.
Mine are all the times that that little demon whispers in my ear, "not worthy, not good enough, not smart enough, they were right about you all along since you were a kid, worthless, unlovable..."
And instead of, at least for the past couple of days, losing control I'm feeling at peace. I know their little pointy faces, I know their digging ways and I am staring them down. Little foxes, little foxes, go away! Go away! I feel like I am able to really see the roots of the lifelong struggle I've had and now I can start dealing with them. Little steps to deal with little foxes, leading to big leaps forward!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Shadow of the Hammer
We all know people who use their words and their hands, their actions and intents like hammers. The problem with people hammers is that every situation is reduced to a limited set of actions, just like a real hammer.
What can a hammer really, basically do? Hammers pound in nails. Hammers pull out nails. Hammers bend over nails. Sometimes hammers can be used to break things, bend things and rarely open things.
People hammers are no different. They use their words, their actions and their presence to hammer us, pull us or bend us to their will. They try to break us, bend us and sometimes tear us open. They have only so many options because they only have one tool - a hammer.
Abusers and controllers may have other tools but the prefer their hammers. They like the power of it. They like the brutality of it. When I started to write, to heal, to finally feel unafraid there loomed over me the shadow of an emotional hammer. The memory, the shadow, the ache of those times when it was not the only tool but the preferred one.
No wonder I still flinch at a tone or pull back from a gesture. I'm reacting to that shadow. That hammer that is no longer really there. Some days I see hammers everywhere and mentally wish for everyone to have more multi tools! Some days the words hammer me and some days the actions hammer me and some days the silence pounds me and breaks me. I'm bent over with the hurt and I'm torn open by words.
Those days are fewer between because I know, I understand the hammer. I know the shadow cannot hurt me.
Sadly, I struggle most with what I was taught about BEING a hammer, and as a Mom that is the last thing I want to be. As a wife it is not what I want to do. As a friend I would rather have empty hands. I confess I can be a brutal hammer but I'm learning.
I'm learning to not reflexively grab the worst tool I have but to consider what the situation calls for. As my son says, "The right tool for the right job!" and that fits for actual physical work as it does for emotional and spiritual work. I'm learning not to lash out and swing wildly hitting whatever I can. I'm learning that my temper was given a hammer too young and was taught too well. Now to unlearn. To unwire, rewire and relearn.
To get out of the shadow of the hammer.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Storm Warning
Why do you scream?
Why do you shout?
What is going on?
Loaded questions, loaded with emotion, history and hurt. Loaded and no where to shoot them! Like me - loaded with words, feelings and thoughts. But how and where to share them, with whom...and can I do it in a way that doesn't cause more hurt?
I struggle with this, very much, and for someone who can be an excellent communicator it is a terrible thing to behold this loss of control, this banshee, this wildness.
It scares me, I cannot imagine how it scares people who are close enough to be caught in the vortex. I am learning, however, why and how this happens. And most importantly when!
Storm warnings! I need my own Doppler radar so I can issue storm warnings...or maybe I just need to recognize my own warning signs. I am learning to recognize some of them - the physical as well as emotional and mental.
Why do you scream? Why do you shout?
Because I don't feel heard! I don't feel like what I am saying, in a normal modulated voice is being heard. I have touched, I've made eye contact, I've asked the same questions a dozen different ways. I'm not looking for a fight, I'm looking for information, confirmation you heard me. That I used my 'outloud voice' and wasn't just in my head the whole time.
I scream, sometimes, from the sheer physical strain of frustration of feeling mute, unheard and worthless. The shame of the past overwhelms me and I feel no matter how I pray, how I learn or how I transform I'm still the dumb, dirty girl who never quite got it right. Wasn't quite popular, wasn't quite clear enough to be heard, wasn't just quite enough of something I just cannot understand!
Frustration leads to anger, anger leads to outbursts, outbursts lead to tears, tears lead to self condemnation and self condemnation undoes so much healing work. Like the saying goes, "for the loss of a nail..." well I'm CONSTANTLY LOSING THAT DANGED NAIL!
Am I learning? Yes, I really am. Do I stumble fall and fail? Oh yeah...lots still but I'm human. Forgiven, but all too human, and so are the people I desperately want to communicate with. They don't know why some things are so hard for me and I don't understand why they cannot hear me.
The really scary thing is that I only scream and shout and lose it because I'm safe enough to feel my emotions top to bottom. First time in my life I can own them. I can learn from them. I can try to make them take the bit and reins and be trained.
I'm able to trust a bit, and then when I cannot be heard I feel such a hurt and a loss. I don't want to be fixed, dismissed, ignored or pushed aside. I just want a nod, a I hear you or okay let's talk about that. Would that be too hard? I hope not, I'm trying to be able to give that back to those who need me to listen. I know it is not a one way street, and don't expect anything less than I would be willing to give - time and effort to actively listen and try to hear.
I've learned to be a pretty good listener and feel terrible when I am not. I'm learning to ask for what I need and am learning to understand when it cannot be given. It's a process, and I own up to my part in it. Now to find a way to have that message heard before I feel like I have to shout.
Why do you shout?
What is going on?
Loaded questions, loaded with emotion, history and hurt. Loaded and no where to shoot them! Like me - loaded with words, feelings and thoughts. But how and where to share them, with whom...and can I do it in a way that doesn't cause more hurt?
I struggle with this, very much, and for someone who can be an excellent communicator it is a terrible thing to behold this loss of control, this banshee, this wildness.
It scares me, I cannot imagine how it scares people who are close enough to be caught in the vortex. I am learning, however, why and how this happens. And most importantly when!
Storm warnings! I need my own Doppler radar so I can issue storm warnings...or maybe I just need to recognize my own warning signs. I am learning to recognize some of them - the physical as well as emotional and mental.
Why do you scream? Why do you shout?
Because I don't feel heard! I don't feel like what I am saying, in a normal modulated voice is being heard. I have touched, I've made eye contact, I've asked the same questions a dozen different ways. I'm not looking for a fight, I'm looking for information, confirmation you heard me. That I used my 'outloud voice' and wasn't just in my head the whole time.
I scream, sometimes, from the sheer physical strain of frustration of feeling mute, unheard and worthless. The shame of the past overwhelms me and I feel no matter how I pray, how I learn or how I transform I'm still the dumb, dirty girl who never quite got it right. Wasn't quite popular, wasn't quite clear enough to be heard, wasn't just quite enough of something I just cannot understand!
Frustration leads to anger, anger leads to outbursts, outbursts lead to tears, tears lead to self condemnation and self condemnation undoes so much healing work. Like the saying goes, "for the loss of a nail..." well I'm CONSTANTLY LOSING THAT DANGED NAIL!
Am I learning? Yes, I really am. Do I stumble fall and fail? Oh yeah...lots still but I'm human. Forgiven, but all too human, and so are the people I desperately want to communicate with. They don't know why some things are so hard for me and I don't understand why they cannot hear me.
The really scary thing is that I only scream and shout and lose it because I'm safe enough to feel my emotions top to bottom. First time in my life I can own them. I can learn from them. I can try to make them take the bit and reins and be trained.
I'm able to trust a bit, and then when I cannot be heard I feel such a hurt and a loss. I don't want to be fixed, dismissed, ignored or pushed aside. I just want a nod, a I hear you or okay let's talk about that. Would that be too hard? I hope not, I'm trying to be able to give that back to those who need me to listen. I know it is not a one way street, and don't expect anything less than I would be willing to give - time and effort to actively listen and try to hear.
I've learned to be a pretty good listener and feel terrible when I am not. I'm learning to ask for what I need and am learning to understand when it cannot be given. It's a process, and I own up to my part in it. Now to find a way to have that message heard before I feel like I have to shout.
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